Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
