dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
