just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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