Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
