the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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