whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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