so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The cops high fived after they tackled you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
