Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
