tonight lets celebrate not being married
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
