it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize