mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
