Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There r osticjed everywhere
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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