You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We need a shit load of segways right now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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