There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
