Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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