he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
