Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
