the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My bed smells like the plague
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
