I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize