I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize