Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
