first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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