She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
