I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
