i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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