Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
