when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
