He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
