i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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