I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
