I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize