tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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