I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
