i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
