I wish I only lived at night.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
