Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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