youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
