i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
