So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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