can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
