So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
