Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
