I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
