I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
