I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize