He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
