I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
