you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
