i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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