That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize