I wish I could punch you in the face.
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
True strength comes from lack of pants
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
