So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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