party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
