Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
