i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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