I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
